Throwing Out the Plan

If you were to sit with me a few years ago and have an intellectual discussion about whether I believe in fate, I would probably have rolled my eyes.

In all likelihood, I would have proceeded to argue, as is the wont of generations of argumentative Karaki's, that the belief that we are guided into our lives with little control by us, and quite a bit by fate is ridiculous. I would have insisted on the simple fact that we make our own choices, good or bad, and that we live as a result of these choices. I would have argued that the choices we made would open certain doors or close them. That determination to follow a certain path would inevitably lead us upon that path we had chosen. Institutional education fosters this belief as well. A young student in school, college, and grad-school, you are convinced that if you do as you are told, get the grades, and do everything right, that you'll find the gates of real-life open up to you with easy welcomes and simply give you what you want. After all, you did everything that was required of you, you were the golden kid, and, surely, you have earned this!

A few years ago I was very young, very hopeful, and hopelessly naïve.

Perhaps I still am. However, my approach to life has changed quite dramatically in the course of a few short years.

Back then, I was the planner. I planned everything down to the last detail. I had a 2 year plan, a five year, and a 10 year plan. First I was to graduate high school with the excellent grades. I was going to choose a major in college that I was passionate about, which was mechanical engineering as it turns out. Though at the time I really had no clue what mechanical engineering was really about, I was determined that I was passionate about it all the same. I was to go through college, learn that tricky art of socializing with ease that I had somehow missed in school, maybe have a relationship or two, and of course graduate with distinction. I was then going to do my Master's in Europe or the States, graduate, get a great job, face no discrimination because I'm in a man's field, be successful, get married, have 3 kids, and be one of those women who can juggle home and career easily because I am, naturally, a detail oriented and very efficient planner.

Did I mention that I spent time choosing possible names for future kids, possible designs for a future home, possible furniture, possible locations and neighborhoods of where I wanted to live, and learn a truly hideous quantity of random information on the off-chance I may one day need to decide whether I want to use eco-friendly cloth diapers or for some reason need to know how to harvest and mill my own wheat?

Why do I do this? Partly because the neurotic in me finds it fun to plan. Mostly it's all for the sake of feeling that I'm prepared, because then, failing would not be my fault.

You may ask, so what happened? You were a little nutty, but happily planning away. My simple answer is: I'm still nutty, but having had so many plans washed away to nothingness, I find that I no longer enjoy or feel the need to plan everything. Somethings came true to plan. The simple, obvious, easy things. Like going to college and graduating. Doing my Master's. These things are predictable. You work, you get the degree. Everything else in life, is not. Now, I feel like a ship. I have left the last known port a year ago and I am now floating away in an unfamiliar sea with no knowledge of navigation. I occasionally steer the rudder here or there on a whim, imagine that this for sure will be my next route, but I really have no clue where I am or what the next port will be. And you know what? It's completely fine. My life is not any less than it was, nor is it any less enjoyable, because things didn't work out as planned. I think I like taking things easy and just going with the flow. It certainly is an enjoyable and highly recommended feeling to be curious, interested, and wondering what you will be doing a year from now, knowing that whatever it is, you'll face it head on.